Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

And as some of you know, I have PCOS and have struggled with infertility.

On January 2nd 2012 we discovered I was pregnant and I have been overflowing with unspeakable joy ever since.

But oh what a contrast to the unspeakable pain of infertility.

One of my biggest struggles during infertility was hating my body.

It was so terrible to me for the one thing I felt like I could control (myself/my body) to fail and betray me.

That no matter how much I wanted and willed myself to get pregnant, I couldn't make it happen.

When dealing with infertility, your body is a constant reminder of what you are missing and longing for.

And there is no escaping yourself.

I wrote this poem after a particularly painful failed month of fertility treatment (I made the fatal mistake of getting my hopes up).

I want to get away

Escape for just a moment

I want to not feel

I want to not see

I want to not be

These breasts that will not nurse

This belly that will not grow

This womb that will not carry life

These arms that will not hold

This voice that will not soothe

These lips that will not kiss

These hands that will not caress

Not for one moment can I escape

Not for one moment am I not reminded

That I am, and may forever be

barren.

Reading that poem now brings tears of joy and thanksgiving to my eyes because I have now done and experienced all those things.

Some days I am so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness for Alice that all I can do is fall to my knees and thank God for blessing me so much more than I deserve.

But at the same time I still am worried about infertility and if we will be able to have any more children (we would love to have at least 3!).

For those struggling with infertility the best advice I can give is to put your hope, trust and faith in God alone.

Your own body may fail and betray you but God never will.

Through infertility, or any troubles in life for that matter, you have to trust and believe 100% that "all things work together for good to those who love God." (Romans 8:28)

Even if that "good" is never having a child.

It is a difficult thing to accept that "bad" things that happen in our lives may actual be a "good" in God's bigger plan.

But there is nothing like the peace that comes from resting in God's sovereignty.

Also, fight and fight hard, those feelings of bitterness and of covetousness toward people who have been blessed with children.

Consider the parable of the laborers in the vineyard from Matthew 20. (my pastor did a great sermon on this on Sunday)

Matthew 20:15 "Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? (aka life/blessings)  Or do you begrudge my generosity?"

None of us deserve any blessing from God.

Don't begrudge another's blessing.

Again, trust God's sovereignty.

For those of you who are blessed with fertility, thank the Lord for your children.

Also, keep in mind that the person you may be complaining to about the "inconveniences" of your children may be someone who would give anything to have one.